Awkward
by Doctor Ethereal
Summary: The Dragonborn dies... And his soul is promptly put up for grabs by the Daedric Lords he encounters... As well as a select few others. Things get hectic quickly as no one can determine who truly owns his soul, and hilarity ensues.


Title: Awkward

AN: Just a little ditty I wrote up in between chapters of my current story. Enjoy! It's on a topic that has been... Troubling me for quite some time. It's quite philosophical and junk. Unfortunately, it was erased, so it might not be up to snuff, but it's as close to the original as I can remember. Crai faic.

* * *

Owww... My head... What happened?

I look around, and, well, all I see is... White. White horizon as far as I can see, white ground, white sky. White everything. It's... Unsettling.

"You have died. This is a little plane of Oblivion, something you might call "Limbo"," I hear from behind me. I glance over. A lovely lady in white was by my side.

"Hello, my child. Are you ready?" Meridia asks.

"Ready for what? How'd I die?"

She gives a small smile, and says, "You fell from a rock, my child."

"Damn. I really thought I could make that jump... Wait, that killed me? It was only, like, 15 feet!"

She gives a small smile, and says, "You must be more careful about these things... Or, not at all. It won't do much good now. Now, shall we go?"

With a wave of her hand, she created a portal. From within, all I can see is a bright golden light. It looks... Great, actually. Maybe death won't be so bad... And I did promise her my servitude...

But then, I see a portal open up, from the corner of my eye. What... A ghostly-white elk trots out... Oh. Hircine.

"Hello, mortal. I am here to reclaim what is rightfully... Oh, salutations, Mery! What, pray tell, are you doing here?"

"I'm... Hereto pick up the Dovahkiin..."

"Oh, to deliver him to me? How thoughtful! But, it seems I have caught you in the act, and your surprise ruined. Alas! I shall leave, and try to forget this, and come back, and I shall then be surprised again!" he says, as he turns to leave. But, Meridia flutters over to the elk as he puts one hoof back through his portal.

"Wait, there must be some kind of confusion..." she says with a concerned smile. "He promised me his soul..."

This stops the opaque elk, and he turns to face her. He points a hoof at me and says, "But, he has the blood of the Beast coursing through his veins! Can you not sense it, Mery?"

"Well, yes, I sense something... But... Surely no one would be foolish enough to promise two Daedra their souls... Surely they would know of the consequences..." she said as she flittered back to me, giving a weak smile. With her voice quivering slightly in a truly terrifying manner, she says, "Wouldn't they?"

I give a weak shrug and back up slowly.

"... You can't be serious. Really?" she throws her arms into the air and shouts, "REALLY!?"

"Well, as saddened by your turn of events as I am, I really must be taking the boy with me. Come along, boy," Hircine says.

I begin walking over to Hircine, but Meridia puts out an arm to stop me. "Oh no," she says, "No no no. He's coming with me. I don't care what blood type he has, Beast, Double-O negative, I don't care, I own him fair and square!"

"Well, no you don't. He signed a contract."

A new voice...? I look over and see... Barbas? And closely following him is Clavicus Vile. Huh. Thought it'd be the other way around... Then again, Barbas can take out Dragons, while Clavicus can't materialize farther than his statue.

"Yes, he signed a contract. A legally-binding contract," says the small horned man.

"And, what was this contract? Did it say anything about if the Dovahkiin is a blithering idiot?" Meridia says, apparently forgetting (or not caring) that I was RIGHT THERE. "Well, no. Barbas, contract," Clavicus orders, and Barbas says, I shit thee not, "Woof". He doesn't make the sound, but pronounces "Woof". He disappears in a poof of fire and smoke, and reappears moments later, scroll in hand.

"Blah blah blah, technical jargon, do you accept the terms and conditions, ah here we are!" Clavicus says, scrolling through the scroll. "And I quote, 'The Dovahkiin henceforth trades his soul and all souls consumed from the signing of this contract thereafter in exchange for the disability of guards, be it town, hold, or what have you, to not be able to pester you with stories of their glory days before ill-fated encounters with arrows, nor condescend upon you with accusations of stolen sweet rolls', unquote." The scroll burns, and is gone with the ashes of the past. "So there you have it. His soul is mine."

"Now hold on a second!" Meridia shouts, flapping her wings furiously. "You just burned that contract! It is now, how do you lawyers say, null and void!"

"... Really, Mery?" Barbas says. "You've known how Daedra work for long enough."

"Well, yeah, but... He's mine!"

"Thaz where yer wron'!"

I whip around to meet the familiar face. Sanguine is standing there, a little tipsy, holding a tankard which was spilling out wine with every motion, but he was there! "Sam! You're here! Take me away from these nutbags!"

"Thash grape! Now, I know a wittle place where the wine flows like water... We should go there! Hey, why're there two a ya? Stop shaking... Makin' me dizz..."

And he falls on his face. The tankard rolls away, and I run over and flip him over. Out cold. Damnit. I wouldn't have minded spending eternity with him...

A portal opens up behind his comatose body, and out crawls, get this, a DRAGON.

"Hello, Dovahkiin. I'm sure you know why I'm... Oh. How distasteful," the dragon says. He glides over Sam and kinda... Nudges him over. He lands, and says, "Now. Let's leave."

"Now, wait a minute, Pery!" Clavicus says. Pery? Oh, right, Peryite like taking the form of a dragon sometimes...

"Yes, Clavicus?"

"That soul right there is mine!"

"No, it's mine!" Meridia shouts, feathers flying everywhere.

"Don't forget I'm over here, lads..." Hircine says, but no one seems to pay him much mind.

"Ah, but-and I'm sure you'll find this entertaining, Clavicus (scoff), but I took a page from your book. I made a sort of deal with the boy here, saying he would not receive my gift in return for his soul in eternal servitude. Why he didn't want my gift, I don't know... Why are you making that face?"

I look over, and Clavicus and Barbas are barely able to hold their laughter. Soon, they burst out, and both roll on the floor laughing.

"S-stop that! Please! I thought you'd be proud!" Peryite shouts over their rancor.

"Proud? All you've done is proven no one wants your gift! It's pathetic!" Barbas laughs.

"B-but..."

"Just flap your wings and go fly in a corner, and let the big boys handle this." Clavicus says, regaining his composure.

"What? But... Okay..." and he flies off into a corner. He buries his reddened face in his talons, and makes a sobbing noise. I would feel bad for him, I really would... If his followers didn't vomit on me.

"Now... Where were we?" Barbas says, standing back up.

"You know what? Screw this. We were at the part where I killed him. Give me my sword, boy. I'm going to break dawn over your head." Meridia said, zooming at me.

"I... I sold it."

"WHAT?!"

"Well, it was kinda useless."

"I had given you my most sacred artifact! The light in the darkness, the rising sun, the literal sword of goodness, and you SELL IT?"

"Well, it was duller than a butter knife..."

"SO SHARPEN IT."

"You can only do so much... Besides, you gave the Champion of Cyrodiil the Ring of Khajiiti. And I get a sword that does 13 damage. Seriously. You can do better."

"THAT'S IT. I'LL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS!" she shrieks as she reaches for my neck. But... Her hands phase right through...Oh right. I'm already dead. Not much they can do now.

I read the look of shock, then realization, then annoyance, as a sign she knew what I knew. But that didn't stop her from trying any more than she was.

"Damnit... What now..." Clavicus says, and I look behind him. A portal has opened, and from this... A mass of tentacles? Oh, Hermaeus Mora.

"Now, where ish the Dovahkiin I sheek? We are on a tight shcedule here, I have a pedicure appointment with my sishter."

"He's over... What?"

"What? Why did you shtop? Where ish the Dovahkiin?"

"The pedicure... What would... Whatever. He'sh... He's over there, getting 'choked' by Mery."

"Oh, good. Now, I musht ashk. Why are you here? I don't think it'sh any of your shummoning daysh, ish it? Or, ish it mine?" he said, producing a book oddly similar to the Oghma Infinium... So that's where it went.

"NO, WE'RE FIGHTING OVER HIS SOUL," Meridia shouts, finally quitting giving me a "throttling".

"Er, what? Hish shoul? How... Why... How ish that posshible? It belongsh to me... I figured it all out perfectly... He'd kill that ushlessh tool Sheptimush, read my Infinium, and be my librarian forever!"

"Did you account on the Dovahkiin being a... What did you call him, Mery?" Hircine says, calling the last bit over to Meridia.

"A BLITHERING IDIOT."

"Right-o. A blithering idiot?"

"Oh, Hirchine! I didn't shee you there. How are you my boy?"

"About as good as I can be, considering."

"Yesh, thish ish quite troubling... Pery, why don't you join ush?"

"I don't wanna," Peryite calls from behind his talons, and Hermaeus... Shrugs? I dunno.

"Sho. We should probably find out what to do about thish..."

"I can be of service!" a voice calls out behind a newly opened portal. From it jumps... A man in a cape? Wait... Doesn't Boethiah wear a cape...?

"Bo, we told you, you're not a superhero. Why do you wear that damned cape?" Barbas asks him, a patient tone in his voice, as if talking to a five year old.

"Because I AM a superhero! WOOSH WOOSH!" and with that, he runs around the room, his cape flowing behind him.

"Bo. Stop that," Barbas orders, and slowly but surely, Boethiah slows to a stop. "Now, have you gotten into the sugar jar again?"

"... Maybe."

"Well, do you remember why you came here?"

"Uhhh... Oh yeah! To kill the Dovahkiin! WOOSH WOOSH!" and he pulls out an Ebony Dagger. He makes to stab me with it, but he can't seem to draw blood... Can't imagine why. He drops to his knees, and starts sobbing, and he... He just...

He looks so cute... I can't help but...

"How's about I give you my soul instead?"

Wait, what?

The effect on the room is immediate. All noise stops, and Boethiah rises. He gives a series of dark laughs and says, "Yes, that would be acceptable. After ages of planning, I FINALLY got you. FINALLY! Those acting lessons from Sheo really paid off! My plot has worked!"

"Not just yet, dearie," calls an affeminate voice. I turn, hoping to see a beautiful woman, but am greeted by the ugliest woman I've ever seen. She, or it, is carrying a stark pink handbag, in contrast to its dark skin. It must be... Mephala? She goes over to Hermaeus and begins talking.

"Ah, shishter... Couldn't dechide on a gender today?"

"No, Hermy. Are you ready to go?"

"Don't call me that. I loathe that pet name. And no, not yet. The othersh are quarreling over who keepsh the Dovahkiin."

"Funny..."

"What'sh that?"

"I have some claim over him as well. He has used my Ebony Blade to kill, and so he is mine."

"But shishter, that ish the reashoning for all of them. You'll have to do better."

"But... That's it..."

"Then I shuggesht you shit back and watch the show, like Hirchine and I."

"Indeed! I have made popcorn!" Hircine says, patting the space next to him.

"Well... Okay. But, we really must leave soon." And so Mephala joins the party.

"Okay, now that that interruption is dealt with, let's be on our way..." Boethiah says, grabbing my arms. But, like Meridia's hands, they phase through.

"Yeah... No. You can only take me if I walk with you."

"Oh?" he says, and he reaches for me again. But, now, his palm is glowing orange... Oh shit, he knows Telekinesis.

He's about to cast the spell on me, when from the heavens (I use that term ironically, there is no heaven here) descends a woman, carried by ravens... Oh. Nocturnal. That makes sense, me being a Nightingale and whatnot.

"Now, I have been watching you all intently, and I must say, I'm rather disappointed. You've been arguing when you could be gambling his fate away!"

Yeah! Wait, what?

"But, where did you even come from? There's no portal," Hircine asks.

"I was hiding in the shadows, like a true thief, something our little prize could've done well to do."

"There are no shadows, ninny," Peryite calls, not even looking up.

"...S-shut up, Pery. Now, like I said, we should be gambling his fate away! Now, I have..." *a shake of her wrist* "two dice here. If I am to roll doubles, we continue in the way we have been. If I roll anything else, he comes with me, as a true Nightingale should."

"No! That'sh not nearly fair! Odds shay you'll win, and you'll mosht likely turn the tidesh in your favor!"

"Very astute, Hermy. Which is why I will, for the duration of these spinning dice, sacrifice my powers."

"That shtill doshen't sholve the probability gap."

"Fine. If I am to roll snake eyes, you all get to earn one favor from me. Is that acceptable?"

"Er, one moment. DAEDRA TEAM MEETING, SHTAT."

Never have I seen so many beings gather in such a short time. Even Peryite, from far away, flew over, and even beat some there. Everyone gathered (except Sam, who was still lying on the ground), while Nocturnal remained in place.

Feeling a surge of anger, I shout, "Don't I get a say in this?"

"You know what? This day has been entertaining. Why not?" Hircine says, beckoning me with a hoof.

"What? Surely you're not serious? We can't let that blithering idiot join our group! It's Daedra only! We gotta keep it tight," Meridia says, just loud enough for me to hear it.

"So? I see no harm in it. So, I say let him in, just for now," Hircine says, opening a gap for me to enter. I rush in, of course, and we make a sort of huddle.

"Now, what should we wish for?" Hircine asks when I join up.

The conversation flies this way and that, and it is so fast going, that I can barely pay attention, let alone know who's talking.

"I'm out of ideas."

"Me too."

"Perhaps... We should let the Dovahkiin choose..."

"Shut up, Pery. What about you, Hermy?"

"I shaid to shtop with Hermy! And, I think... We should let the Dovahkiin dechide."

"A good idea, but why?"

"It ish hish fate. Beshidesh, we have shuch a shlim chanche of winning, why not?"

"Good point. So, Dovahkiin, my boy, what'll it be?"

Surprised, I look around. Nocturnal is filing her nails, and Sam is dozing... I wonder...

"What if... I wished to be free?"

"... Oh well. YOLO!" Hermaeus shouts and says, "Okay, Nocturnal, we're ready."

"Fine. Send over your dealmaker, and we shall begin."

Clavicus steps forward. "I have the most knowledge in this area, I should go."

Before anyone could stop him, he steps forward moreso. A small wall of fire surrounds them, just high enough that they couldn't jump over it.

"We wish for t-" Clavicus starts, but he is silenced by Nocturnal.

"Shhh... It'll be better as a... Surprise."

"Uh, okay. So, roll when ready, I guess?"

"As you ask," she replied, and she drew her arm back.

Just as she is about to throw the dice that will make my fate, another portal opens. From this, out steps... A really tall Orc?

Oh. Malacath.

"Puny mortal! In exchange for my hammer, you are sentenced to... Wait, why is everyone here?"

"Ah, nice of you to join us, Malacath," Hircine says, beckoning him with a hoof.

"Do not tell me whether it is nice to have me here, elk!"

"Oh, please, Orkey. No need for the act here. We're all friends here."

"B-but... Fine. What are we doing?"

"We're having a less than civil discussion over the fate of the Dovahkiin. I assume you're here for this reason as well?"

"Well, yes, but I don't think I have much claim over him..."

"You, thinking? That's new," Barbas quips, and Malacath looks about ready to snap.

"As I was saying, he's not much of an Orc, is he?"

"Well, we don't really know what he is..." Hircine replies.

"Well, if he were an Orc, he'd be a lot stupider, so that's probably out."

"I swear, I'm going to take that mutt and ram his face so far into the ground with my boot that-"

"Orkey! How's about I make you some nice herbal tea, and we do our breathing exercises? You're getting upset, and you need to find you're happy plain," Hircine says, pulling him back.

"How would you make tea? There's nothing here, and the only one who can make anything in this plane is-"

"He'll be here soon enough, I'm sure. Now, practice on your meditation."

And so he does. A funny sight, seeing a giant Orc in mantis position, chanting a mantra. I've seen weirder, but still.

"Now, can we move on?" Nocturnal says, and all attention snaps back to her.

"Ah, yes. This has been taken care of. Please, proceed," Hircine says, waving a hoof.

"You know, Hircine, as God of the Hunt, I must wonder, why it is you choose that form over all others."

"... It's personal."

"Fine, fine, I won't pry," Nocturnal says, and she draws her arm back again. This time, she seems about to throw, and another portal godsdamnit.

This time... I don't know. I don't recognize him.

"Is this where everyone is? It's Halo night, guys."

"Go away, Jyggalag. We're busy," Meridia says.

"But..."

"Go. Now."

"Fine..." he says, defeated, and he returns from whence he came.

Finally, now we can go somewhere. Nocturnal draws her arm back again, and the dice leave her hand, but they get called back at the sound of another portal.

Out of this steps a spiky man with a skull for a head... I think. Who?

"Puny mortal! I am Molag Bal!"

Oh.

"And I am here for your what in Oblivion is going on?"

At the notice of him, Meridia flies slightly upwards, ready to flee, Nocturnal covers her voluptuous breasts, and Mephala... Well, Mephala doesn't do much. Kinda half and half disgusted and aroused.

"I don't want to be in the same room as him," Boethiah says.

"Fine. Leave," I say.

"But, your soul..."

"Is why I'm here! Now, let's go," Molag says to me.

"Dude. I'm not going with you."

"Why not? You have to! You took my mace, you killed that priest, HE WAS A NAMED CHARACTER."

"Dude. You're the King of RAPE."

"Oh, you rape one virgin and create all vampires in the world in the process and you never hear the end of it!"

"Wait... You did that?" Boethiah says, now looking the Rape King in the eyes.

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, that's cool, I guess... Wanna hang out some time?"

"Aren't we supposed to, you know, hate each other?"

"Oh right... You remember how that happened?"

"Not at all. You?"

"Nope. So..."

"Truce?"

"At least until a decision is reached. And maybe until we see a movie after."

"Agreed."

"Well, that's fine," Barbas butts in, "but if you're done with your circle jerk of reconciliation, we're ready to get started."

"Started with what?" Molag asks.

"Oh, nevermind. Just go... Talk with your boyfriend."

"Will do. Wait... Hey!"

And with that, Barbas pushed the spiky skull rape man next to the caped WOOSH WOOSH one. That'll bode well.

So, maybe now, there won't be any distractions... What dy'a know, she threw the dice, finally. She also fell out of the sky, since apparently her magic was keeping her afloat, but her mighty breasts cushioned the short drop.

The dice... Spin. They landed flat, so my fate is already decided, but the dice are spinning so fast, I can't make out what they've landed on. In fact, the dice seem to be... Is that smoke?

All the Daedra seem transfixed by the rapidly spinning cubes, emitting such noises as "Oooh..." and "Ahhh..." Like children, I swear.

Suddenly, I hear a portal open behind me.

"PUNY MORTAL!" the voice boomed, and I whip around.

There is a... Rather tall man, horned, with a shaggy beard. Could it be... No. He didn't have a beard last time I saw him...

"I AM MEHRUNES DAGON,"

So it was.

"AND... That really puts a strain on the voice. Okay, so, we should get going."

"Uh, what's with the beard?"

"Well, SOMEone took my Razor. Can't shave without a razor."

"You SHAVE with that? But, doesn't it have a chance to insta-kill?"

"Okay, tell me the last time that worked. I'm curious," he said with a little chuckle.

"... I'm still not going with you yet, right, guys?" I look behind me. Everyone is still transfixed by the spinning dice. Damn, look like I'll have to find my own way out of this... Think, think, think, put that library of knowledge to use... Of course! It's a longshot, but it's gotta work...

"Wait!"

"Why should I, mortal?"

"Don't you remember who you are?"

"I'm Mehrunes Dagon."

"Think of more than that."

"Uhhh... The owner of your soul?"

"More. Come on, please!"

"Uhhh... A Daedric Lord? I'm not following."

"Ugh, you really don't remember anything, do you?! Leaper!"

"What-er? I don't leap. I can't."

"Yes, you can! You did it all the time!"

"Okay, this was fun at first, but now you're just giving me a headache. Let's go, so I can get some herbs to cure this thing."

"No! I'm not going anywhere, not until you remember!"

"Remember what? Oh, ow ow OW my head!" he yelled, clutching at his head with his clawed hands. The claws formerly belonging to a demon.

From behind me, I heard another portal. "I am Vaermina, mortal, and I am here to instill in you your worst ooh pretty dice!"

I guess Vaermina is here. Shame, kinda wanted to see her entrance. Probably involved my worst nightmare or something. Which, as it happened, was giant snakes. But, that's completely irrelevant. Right now, I have to focus on getting Mehrunes to remember.

I turn my attention back and shout, "Come on! I know you know! You are the Demon Leaper King!"

"Shutup shutup SHUTUP!"

"Just push it!"

He fell to his knees and bellowed. I'm genuinely surprised that the other Daedra aren't watching this. Those must be some damn fine dice.

I look back at Mehrunes. He has risen up, but he looks downwards.

He raises his head and gives me a small smile. He says, "Thank you. I remember everything now. Everything, Alduin, the Greedy Man, the kalpas, the pieces of Mundus, everything. Thank you for giving me my past back."

He turns back to his portal. His bleak, desolate realm. His prison.

"Wait!" I shout, and he turns to me.

I unclip his razor from my belt, and I hand it to him.

"I think you'll need this more than I do, King. Do something about that beard."

A single tear escaped both eyes, and he grasped the dagger. "Thank you, mort- Thank you, Damocles."

My name... I'm surprised he knows it. He called me by my name and not Dovahkiin...

"You're... You're welcome. Look, I'm sorry you gotta live there, but... You can't exactly live anywhere else. The people of Nirn hate you for..."

"Yes. I know. I wasn't fully aware of my actions. But, whether I was aware of this or not, I must suffer my consequences. Farewell, Damocles. I hope our paths may never cross again. My realm isn't one for others," he says, giving a teary-eyed smile, and he steps through the portal. It closes behind him, in an almost melancholic "Shwoop".

I look back at the dice now, and it seems they've stopped smoking at least. I look at them and...

Oh sweet divines, it's snake eyes.

I'm free.

I'm... I'm free!

But, no... No, something's wrong. The dice... They're smoking again.

They've... They've turned to... Cheese.

Oh no.

"HELLOOO, DRAGONBORN!" the Prince of Madness exclaims.

The area stays silent for a moment. Then, the others burst out laughing.

"Ooh, boy, really got us there, Sheo!"

"Alwaysh knowsh how to make an entranche..."

"How long were you in my sleeve?"

Laughing.

They're laughing.

At my misfortune.

It's... Infuriating! But, I know to stay my tongue. Sheogorath and his Wabbajack can easily turn me into a chicken, or a sweet roll, or a Septim. Don't wanna risk that.

"So! As much fun as this chaos is, I'm afraid that yooou... Must come with... ME! Sorry, guys, but it's in the rules."

Surprisingly, everyone nods in agreement.

"Ah, but, before you return to the Shivering Isles, could you conjure up some herbal tea for Malacath? He's had a tad bit of a relapse," Hircine says. Sheogorath replies, "Fine. I will make him the best tea I can imagine. But, I hope he likes his tea with... CHEESE!"

He points the Wabbajack at the ground in front of the Orc, who is staring at him with intense burning.

Tea appears. Malacath takes a sip, and immediately begins choking.

"Beluhgvjhfle! It turned to cheese!"

"Of course. It turns to cheese when it come into contact with saliva."

Really? Cheese? Cliché much?

"You know, I can read your thoughts. And yeah, cheese is pretty cliché. But, it's typecast!"

"First, you have me kill my son. Now, you try to kill me?! I should kill you on the spot, right now!" Malacath bellows at Sheogorath.

He grows a confused look. "Your son? I've never met him, is he a nice boy? Does he like cheese?"

"My son is dead. YOU killed him."

"No, Malacath," Hircine says, putting a hoof to his shoulder. "That was the old Sheogorath. Jyggalag. This one is the Champion of Cyrodiil, remember?"

"What? Oh. Right. So, it's Jyggalag I should kill!"

"What about killing yourself? That'd be unexpected," Sheogorath offered.

"I canNOT deal with him right now. Make him go away, Hircine," Malacath says, turning his back.

Hircine shrugs at Sheogorath, and he scratches his beard for a moment, then raises his finger, a bulb-like object emitting light appearing above his head.

He points the Wabbajack at Malacath, and fires it.

The large Orc no longer has eyes or ears.

"That's better. Finally, some quiet..." Malacath says, and he lies down.

"What... Have you done? How long doesh that lasht?" Hermaeus asks, and I assume whatever equivalent of a head he possesses bears a look of shock.

"Oh, stop worrying! They'll come back in an hour... Or a day. Or never, who knows? That's the fun of it, the surprise!" comes the reply, and Hermaeus just turns to face the others. I assume. Who knows which direction he was facing?

The others all just shrug. They didn't seem to know how to handle him, so they just kinda let him... Do.

"So, lllet's go!" he says.

Hey, who knows? An eternity of chaos could be fun... And, who knows? It could be over in an instant, or maybe time has no meaning, it is the realm of chaos, after all.

"You know what'd be great? A WATERSLIDE."

And so it is. A strip of... Some kind of black fabric appears, and it has magically flowing water on it. It leads from where I'm standing leading into the portal.

I can't imagine a more fun way to basically kill myself again. So, I jump onto it, and I start sliding incredibly fast, faster than I could ever sprint, or go on a horse.

So, here I am. Sliding on my way to my inevitable fate. I'm... I'm ready for this.

Portal. Sound effect.

Suddenly, the water... It turns to blood! And, and, the portal (which I am mere yards away from) has turned to... Raw meat?

Really? Her?

"There you are, child," Namira says in a rather gruff tone. "Do you even realize how many realms there are exactly like this one?"

"No. To both questions."

"But... I only asked one."

"Exactly. You're going to ask me to come with you, and without my consent, you have no way of getting me there."

"Ah, but, perhaps I can gain your consent," she said with a sly smile. "We people eaters have to stick together. It's us against them, for we are the minority, the ever-attacked minority. If you kill a cannibal in the street, you earn no bounty. You and I are treated like lesser beings, worse than dirt! You and I, we have to stick together, if we are to survive."

She concludes her little monologue, and receives a thunderous applause from Sheogorath. I guess that's to be expected, he loves things that don't make sense.

"Yeeeah... No."

"But... I spent eons preparing that speech..."

"You forgot one thing. Speeches don't work on an Imperial."

"So THAT'S what he is!" comes a shout of general consensus from behind me. I'm generally surprised the hadn't figured it out yet; I don't have a tail, I don't have pointed ears, and I'm relatively tan, without being a Redguard. That literally leaves one option. Maybe they're not all they're cracked up to be.

"In any case, you have tasted flesh, so you're coming with me."

.latroP .tceffe dnuoS

"Sorry to be so late to this little party. They really should make street signs..."

Of course, Azura. How could I have forgotten? And, I'm sure she'll pull...

"Brelyna, was it? Your wife's name? I assume you'd want to be with her forever."

Damn. Well, she's got me there.

"Yes, I very much would. But, even moreso, I believe she would wish me to be happy. And, I know for a fact that no one could be happy residing in your realm. You might be the kindest of the Daedra, but you are still a Daedra! Do you even realize how many lives you've destroyed? How many have been killed in your name, or in opposition of your worship? And I hardly doubt you'd care. So, no. I will not be going with you, because I know that my dear Brelyna would not wish me to live with you."

Silence.

"That's well and good, but you forgot one thing."

Damn.

"Speeches don't work on Daedra."

Ooof course they don't.

"So, will you be coming or what?"

"Well, you do make the most convincing argument... I suppose."

Suddenly, what was once a white cube becomes the darkest black you can conceive. No light was shown, save for the light radiated by the other Daedra, some moreso than others.

"Oooh shit."

"Bossman is here, isn't he?"

"He'sh probably shteamed."

"YOU'RE DAMNED RIGHT I AM. MY SUBJECT IS BEING ARGUED OVER LIKE A COMMON TOY."

Is... Is the void on my side?

"HE BELONGS TO ME."

Didn't think so.

Then, the expected happened. The din grew so loud that I could hardly hear myself think. The Daedra were all arguing with each other, save for Sanguine, who was still pretty much dead. Meridia was in a shouting match with Azura, and Boethiah and Molag seemed to have forgotten their agreement, and Sheogorath seemed to have turned Vaermina into a Septim. Guess nothing'll come of her...

So.

This is how I spend eternity. Stuck in a now black room that was once a nice white room with 15 Daedric Lords and the Void all arguing over my soul.

A bright white light bursts through the wall behind me, and I whip around. All noise in the room stops, and a winged chariot flies into the room. On board is... A man? He wears a steel helmet, and wields a steel sword about double the length of his body. Following closely behind is... A Dragon? I thought Peryite was alread... Oh. Talos and Akatosh.

Wait, Talos...? This'll be awkward...

"What kind of mess have you gotten yourself into?" The Winged Serpent asks me.

"Yeah, you were due in Sovngarde an hour ago," Talos says. "Or, a year ago. Time holds no meaning when you're dead."

"H-HEY? WE'RE KINDA IN THEMIDDLE OF SOMETHING."

"Right. And we're here to take the Dovahkiin away," Talos says. "So, shall we?"

"But... We shpent all thish time..."

"All for naught. Divines hold higher power than Daedra. So, goodbye." Talos then takes my arm (I allow him to), and he leads me to the chariot.

"Wait!" Clavicus shouts, and Talos turns back. "Can I at least get the Dragon souls he promised me?"

"I don't see why not... Fine," Akatosh says, and he shoots me with this... Ball of OH GODS THAT HURTS. The last thing I see is a rainbow of colors flowing out of my body, and my vision fades to black.

When I come to, I'm in the chariot. We're flying through the clouds. No, not above, through. It's colder than anything I've ever experienced.

Talos looks over to me, and he says, "So, I hear you fought against my worship."

"Look, I've had a long day, I just want to get to Sovngarde. Let's cut the chit-chat."

Suddenly, my vision goes black again.

I wake up in midday, standing on a road.

Oh, look, a rock. I bet I can make that jump...


End file.
